Remain Champagne - AN OPEN LETTER TO THE TEN PEOPLE WHO JUST UNFOLLOWED ME ON TWITTER

Hey, guys! I don’t wanna take up too much of your time, what with how busy y’all are with…all the shit you guys do! You’re all probably swamped with tasks and errands and what-not. Some of you are clearly robots, in which case you definitely have a lot of stuff to do, like follow people on Twitter, leave an ad under the Mention tab and then immediately unfollow them. That’s time consuming. Some of you have your own business who follow someone, leave an ad under the Mention tab and then immediately unfollow them. That’s a grind. Some of you are people I know, people I occasionally see out and about. That’s weird. I’ll never bring it up when I see you though. And I mean never. I promise. You’re welcome.

Some of my tweets from the past few days have been pretty shitty, granted. Let’s go through some that are really freakin’ horrible:

—“Oh, everyone calls you a baller, huh? I can’t wait to never hang out with you.”

The snarky tone of this tweet is pitch-perfect: it precisely captures that judgmental, eye-rolling, negatively critical angle that seem absolutely imperative to being a comic on Twitter. Maybe that’s why it got no response. Maybe people are so completely sick of this sound that they can’t bear to hear it anymore. In which case, my bad. You know what else makes Twitter comics snarkily roll their eyes and unfollow people? The phrase: “My bad.”

—“Stop using ‘needy’ as a negative. We’re all needy. For example: People who say they’re not needy clearly need to suck it.”

Kinda whiny, ain’t it? Anything that sounds like it could’ve been written by a model/actress instead of a comedian (or someone trying to be a comedian) is gonna get you unfollowed by people. And, hell, you might not get booked on that cool show you can’t get booked on anyway.

—“The next time someone starts talking about their wicker class, I’m gonna keep interrupting them with: ‘WICKA WHUT?! WICKA WHO?!’”

Maybe people don’t know what a wicker class is. Maybe when you take a class on how to make wicker chairs, they’re not called “wicker classes.” I thought the image of me listening to someone’s boring story about learning how to wicker and then all of a sudden breaking in with “WICKA WHUT?! WICKA WHO?!” might be funny. But not at all. You guys are right to unfollow.

—“Irony: When your video store has all six of their copies of the film ‘Just Go With It.’”

I remember almost putting something like: “Looks like the customers of that video store are just not going with it” or something obvious like that. But I think any failed movie with huge stars in it with a title like “Just Go With It” is its own joke. (I’m. Going. To. Die.)

—“You know, in a couple days she’s gonna be Gamy Winehouse.”

I tweeted that on the day she died and it got me unfollowed by a veritable princess of the comedy movement on Twitter. Someone with hundreds of thousands of folowers, who writes comedy pieces for magazines that—you know—publish comedy pieces, someone who prides herself on contributing to intelligent humor instead of crass, bass, lowbrow comedy. And I regret the joke in no way whatsoever.

I remain

Champagne