I'm Matt Champagne. Watch me type things at you.
I AIN’T MANUEL. NOR REUBEN.
Got a wrong text from a phone number in Wilmington, North Carolina. The Wrong Number will be notated as “Wrong” hereafter. The texting conversation went like this:
***
WRONG: Hey!
ME: Don’t know who this is.
WRONG: Lol. Ash you just met me.
ME: No. I didn’t. What’s my name?
WRONG: Manuel!
ME: Oh yeah! How’s it goin? Kinda drunk.
WRONG: Lol. I’m ash! Was w Mateo!
ME: Ooooh, right. You uh sexy and shit.
WRONG: Lol Yeah you liked my boots that looked like doc’s
ME: I’d like to see you in JUST those doc’s. WHUUUUUT?!
WRONG: OuLol of course you would, buddy!
ME: J/K. I’m totally gay and stuff.
[Eight hours and twenty-seven minutes later.]
WRONG: Lol okiedokie
ME: Not really.
WRONG: So confused!
ME: How was the rest of your night?
WRONG: Good, I passed out quick, lol.
ME: Roofied again, huh?
WRONG: Yep. Damn roofies. Get me every time.
ME: We should have a roofie party.
WRONG: Why are they called roofies? Everybody always end up on the floor! Bahahahaha
ME: You heard of that new dance mix called “Raise The Roofie?”
WRONG: Bahahahaha
ME: It’s got a pretty good beat, but by the end you don’t know where you are and you’re crying.
WRONG: You so cleverrrrrrr
ME: Oh that ain’t nothin.’
ME: What you doin’ tonight?
WRONG: No clue yet!
ME: Whattaya wanna do?
WRONG: Idk, probably hanging out at my boyfriend’s house (mateo’s roommate) they tend to have cookouts/drink a lot on Saturday nights
ME: Boyfriend?
WRONG: Yup.
WRONG: LOL don’t you remember asking how I knew Mateo and I said “he lives with my boyfriend”
ME: Why you be textin’ bros you just met when you got a boyfriend?
WRONG: Bc I like to talk to people. Make friends. Be friendly in general
ME: Show your boyfriend our conversation here and let’s see how friendly he is.
WRONG: Hey now. Don’t be mean.
ME: What would your boyfriend think. Seriously. What do you think he’d think?
WRONG: In my defense, you did say you were gay, my friend.
WRONG: He wouldn’t care. I’m allowed to talk to people
ME: That was after I said I’d like to see you in only your boots. And I was kidding. Your boyfriend’s not Chris Brown, is he?
WRONG: Lol nope. Not chris brown. But if you prefer to only speak to single ladies I shall bid you adieu. I enjoyed your clever roofie jokes.
ME: Show your boyfriend the part where I say: “You sexy and shit” and then you say: “Lol Yeah you like my boots that looked like doc’s” and…
ME: then I say: “I’d like to see you in just those doc’s WHUUUUT?!” and then you say: “OuLol of course you would, buddy!”
WRONG: Dude, that’s just how I talk. Sorry to offend.
ME: This isn’t Manuel, by the way. My name isn’t Manuel. You got the wrong number.
WRONG: Hahahahahahaha touche! Whats your name then?
ME: You know anyone named Manuel who has such perfect punctuation?
WRONG: I don’t know anyone named Manuel that I know of. Except, perhaps the person I thought you were. And since you are not he, I know now what sort of punctua—
WRONG: —tion he uses.
ME: Your poor boyfriend.
WRONG: Eh. He knows I’m batshit and loves me anyways. So your name isn’t Reuben either? Drunk me confuses names.
ME: My name’s Xavier.
WRONG: Are you bald and in a wheelchair? Do you have mutant mind powers?
ME: Aren’t you curious what happened to Manuel?
WRONG: Not really. I’m now thoroughly amused by this conversation. And apparently his name was Reuben, not Manuel.
ME: How do you know?
WRONG: Mateo told me. & heather.
ME: Oh yeah! Heather! (No idea who Heather is.)
WRONG: She smallish and red headed. Was with me last night. All of this is completely irrelevant if you are in fact a balding mutant.
WRONG: She is*
ME: Your attention to typing has improved since finding out I’m not Manuel.
WRONG: Also since now I’m actually awake, and now in a hungover sleep-haze
WRONG: Not * dammit
WRONG: Also, you made a punctuation crack, and I felt I needed to step up my punctuation game to compete.
ME: Hey, I gotta go. Bye.
WRONG: Okiedokie. Nice to never have met you.
***
I’m forty-one years old. I just got a check for four dollars and thirteen cents.
[I will analyze this conversation in the next post and ruthlessly examine my decidedly uncharacteristic participation therein.]
I remain
Champagne
