Remain Champagne - GET A HANKY.

Remember the Derby? I actually went to a swing dance class here once. It was one of the three dates I’ve had in the last twenty-three years. “This would be cooler if there weren’t so many people,” I said. When I saw Swingers with that scene at The Derby where one guy says: “You get that pilot?” and the other guy goes: “Nah. Shit wasn’t funny anyway,” I remember having that exact same stupid conversation with someone at The Derby. I remember playing a show there once too.

The Derby’s been closed down for a while now, but look at this shit:

It’s been known that the Derby was gonna become a bank, but I was blissfully unaware of this until I finally saw this horrible building with my own eyes. I said this when I was driving by:

“How. Fucking. Sad.”

Google: “Chase Bank Corrupt” and tell me that the Derby becoming a Chase Bank isn’t a raping.

A band for your Grand Opening? There’s a punk band called People Rapers that might be available. I think there’s another band called Let’s Rape America’s Stinky Corpse that also might be interested.

What really makes me sad is that I can’t promise you I won’t do a commercial for these rat fucks. I need the work. I’m scared shitless right now. I did a commercial for a bank last summer. I can’t tell you the name, but it rhymes with “Skank of America.” (Yeah, you guessed it. It was Prank of America.) At least it never ran. Whenever I don’t book a spot, I always go: “The bad news is that I won’t be in that commercial. The good news is that I won’t be in that commercial.”

What. A. Bummer.

Trust me on this: The Derby was more picky about who patronized their establishment than Chase Bank ever will be.

I remain

Champagne