I'm Matt Champagne. Watch me type things at you.
“WHY, HE ONCE SHOT A MAN JUST FOR BLOGGING TOO LOUD.”
“He was such a nasty feller, he once shot a man just for snorin’ too loud.”
This has been said about a lot of bad-ass outlaws. It’s such a clichéd credit from the Old West that it makes me think of all the comedians I’ve heard use it in one way or another. They’re doing some bit about cowboys and shoot-outs and wagons and can can girls, and it’s inevitable that they’re gonna say: “Why, he was such a nasty feller, he once shot a man just for snoring too loud.”
And I wonder about that. Shooting a guy for snoring. We always think the snoring guy died. But what if he didn’t. Let’s assume he didn’t die. How awkward is it when the snoring guy wakes up?
***
(Morning. Two cowboys, COWBOY ONE AND COWBOY TWO, are asleep. Cowboy Two wakes up. He’s been shot in the side. There’s blood. Cowboy Two yawns, and lays there for a second, not noticing the blood. Then he finally does. Cowboy One’s still asleep.)
COWBOY TWO: Uh…’scuse me, feller? (Pause) ‘Scuse me?
COWBOY ONE (Waking up): Yeah? (Surprised to see Cowboy Two is alive) Oh. Mornin’.
COWBOY TWO: Mornin’. You seem surprised to see me.
COWBOY ONE: No, no, no, I just…uh, uh…. (Pretends to not see the blood) Ya sleep all right?
COWBOY TWO: Well, that’s kinda what I wanted to talk about. Did you…uh…did you by any chance…uh…whattaya call it?—shoot me or sumpin’?
COWBOY ONE: Pardon?
COWBOY TWO: Did you shoot me?
COWBOY ONE (Scoffing): What? Did I shoot you?
COWBOY TWO: Yeah.
COWBOY ONE (Laughing it off): What kinda thing is that to say to a feller? Did I shoot you?
COWBOY TWO: Well, I been shot.
COWBOY ONE: Shot? Naw! Where?
COWBOY TWO: Where the blood is. I been shot where the blood is.
COWBOY ONE: Well, let’s figure this out. Let’s not jump to conclusions.
COWBOY TWO: Naw, why would I jump to conclusions. I’m only bleedin’ a bunch.
COWBOY ONE: Maybe…uh…mosquito?
COWBOY TWO: Sure! Coulda been a moskeeter! I hear they bite through clothes now.
COWBOY ONE: Or something you ate?
COWBOY TWO: Uh-huh! I definitely shouldn’t have ate that bullet you shot me with. Sure ain’t agreein’ with me.
COWBOY ONE: Now, now.
COWBOY TWO: Now, now nothin’! Why’d you shoot me? What, you one of them crazy outlaws who shoots guys for snoring too loud? (Pause) Oh shit! Y’are! You shot me for snoring too loud? That is so lame! You guys are for real?
COWBOY ONE: Your snoring was terrible!
COWBOY TWO: I have a deviated septum!
COWBOY ONE: I couldn’t sleep!
COWBOY TWO: Well, I’m a mouth breather!
COWBOY ONE: Glad someone said it.
COWBOY TWO: Now I got a deviated intestinal tract!
COWBOY ONE: Least that don’t make ya snore.
COWBOY TWO: How’s this gonna look in the history books? “He was such a nasty feller, he once shot a man for having a deviated septum.”
COWBOY ONE: I didn’t think you’d wake up.
COWBOY TWO: Oh, well, I take everything back then.
COWBOY ONE: You’re a sarcastic one, ain’t ya?
COWBOY TWO: I can’t believe you shot me for that.
COWBOY ONE: I’ve shot people for less.
(Pause)
COWBOY TWO: Really?!
COWBOY ONE: Seemed like the right response.
COWBOY TWO: I’m pretty sure when ya shoot a man just for snoring too loud, you’re supposed to take him out. Because now I can do this.
(Cowboy Two takes his gun out and shoots Cowboy One.)
COWBOY ONE: Hey! Why’d you do that?
COWBOY TWO: So the history books will say: (With a hokey, cheese ball western accent) “He once shot a man because he himself was shot by that man for snoring too loud.”
(Cowboy One shoots Cowboy Two.)
COWBOY TWO: Hey! Why’d you do that?
COWBOY ONE: So the history books’ll say: “He once shot a man for snoring too loud even after he himself got shot by that man for snoring too loud.”
(Both lay there wounded.)
COWBOY TWO: Uh-oh. Feelin’ sleepy. (Starts fake snoring)
(COWBOY ONE angrily grabs pillow to put over his head.)
COWBOY TWO: Uh-oh! You’re not gonna shoot a man for shooting you for shooting him for snoring too loud, are ya?
***
I remain
Champagne
