Remain Champagne

19th July 2011

Post with 2 notes

NAPKINS

—Naked Guy

—# of Women

—Violence in Fast Food Joints

—Ambien

—Montell Jordan

—Jon Benet

—My Space

—Bin Laden Porno

—Wrong Apartment

—Impressions

   —PBR

   —Desert Island

   —Vietnamese Whore

—Redneck Hipster

—Good Dirty Talk

—Empty Glass of Water

—Snuff Film

—Ice T Memoir

—SIDS

—Casey Anthony Fragrance

—Bleed From The Eyes

—Love Triangle

—Baby On Board

—Open Casket

—Hipster Gynocologist

—Master Cleanse

—Fat Stripper

—Let Them Eat Urinal Cake

—My Bad

—It’s Complicated

—I Don’t Do Improv

—Emcee Wingman

—Predator

—Nancy Grace

—Sherwood Schwartz

***

(I had to look up Montell Jordan’s name to make sure I was spelling it right.)

I have a calendar.  With pages.  And spirals at the top.  So you can flip the pages.  The kind you can touch.  With your hands.  It does not hang on my wall.  It floats around my unchanging apartment and I add things to it as I see fit.  When plans change—as they do—I do not use white out to correct them.  I use that correcting tape.  Like, that white-out tape.  It’s better.  It doesn’t stink.

I found one of those small MiniPax bags inside a bottle of pills the other day and it says it’s for product freshness.  I wanna get a huge one of these.  Like the size of a bean bag chair and place it right in the middle of my life.

I Tweeted something about how I thought terrorists would be a lot less scary if, before they blew something up, they yelled “God is great!” like Tony the Tiger.  “GOD IS GRRRREAT!”  And no one on FavStar faved that shit.  Now I’ll never good booked on whatever hip nerd comedy show won’t book me.

I overheard my mailman really giving someone the business over the phone today.  As he was putting mail in everyone’s boxes, he was all: “You know, you gotta take care of the shit you gotta take are of.  I can’t be doing that for you.”

My mood is based almost solely on how much money I’m making.  I sometimes refer to my mailman as my moneyman.


I remain

Champagne