Remain Champagne

Hey, man. What’s up? How’s it going? Haven’t seen ya in a while. Things are good? Hey, you know what? I just saw a play recently and you know who was in it? That girl you used to date. Yeah. Can’t remember her name. Oh, really? You’re still going out with her? No way! Wow! I had no idea. Well, it had been such a long time and people change and as I was watching her on stage, I just naturally assumed you weren’t with her anymore.

Because she is one shitty actress.

Seriously: How do you date a bad actress? I’m legitimately curious. Because this city is full of guys who are really good at it, and I was just wondering how you do it. Like, how do you do it? I guess I’m amazed at anyone who can date anyone because I never date anyone, but even within that exclusive demographic, I’m especially amazed at people who seem completely fine staying in relationships with people who suck at acting. Like, what kind of psychological or emotional prep do you do so that you can keep on dating that shitty actress you’re dating? And for as long as you have? Because as I was watching her up there flailing around and cackling and moving her lips while other people were talking and randomly jutting her beautiful tits out toward the audience in the hope they would distract from the fact that she can barely speak (and they kinda did, but never completely), I remember thinking this: “She’s probably dating a doctor.” That’s the first thing I think when I see a pretty shitty young actress acting shitty. I think: “She’s dating a doctor or her manager or her photographer.” But she’s still going out with you, huh? Huh. You realize that you’re doing the real acting in this relationship, right? She sucks at acting and you have to act like she doesn’t suck at acting. Maybe she could learn something from you!

Well, great to see ya.

Me? No, no. I’m single. And I’m not bad at anything.

I remain

Champagne

“HEY, MAN, SERIOUSLY…”