Remain Champagne - I HUG LIKE A PROTOCOL DROID.

LEIA: Can you relax for one damn minute?

3PO: Why, I—I—

LEIA: Seriously. You are tense, man.

C-3PO: Might I remind you, Princess, that I am a droid?

LEIA: Your excuses are so cute.

C-3PO: I am fluent in nearly all forms of verbal communication.

LEIA: Oh, I can think of one form you’re definitely not fluent in.

C-3PO: Really?

LEIA: Love.

C-3PO: Really!

LEIA: You know why you can’t speak Love, 3PO? Because there’s no talking. There are no words.

C-3PO: No words?

LEIA: Nope.

C-3PO: Then, how does one communicate?

LEIA: I’ll show ya, you gold-plated motherfucker!

C-3PO: Why, Princess, I—

LEIA: Great thing about droids? You guys are always hard.

***

And then she rapes him. Yeah. Princess Leia has her way with a gold-plated protocol droid. What’s the problem?

This picture perfectly captures the way I feel when I’m hugging an attractive woman. I feel like a droid. I feel like a stiff, unfunny, tense droid who talks way too much. With no genitals. And a British accent.

Look at C-3PO’s face. You know his face. It’s his one face. The only one he’s got. That’s the face I make when I’m hugging a pretty woman: fearful eyes wide open, mouth a tiny hole, hoping I’m being the least creepy I can be. When you’ve been told often enough that you’re a bad hugger, you start to feel like you’re in a big metal suit and you don’t wanna make the other person uncomfortable. So you don’t commit fully to the hug, because you’re not fully convinced the other person wants it. And in holding back, you end up giving an undesirable hug. I imagine it is like hugging a robot.

Watching an awkward hug is almost as bad as giving one because when I’m watching one the only thing I’m thinking is: It’s only a matter of time before I’m giving one again. Who wants my shitty hug?

I quit taking those tango classes, by the way. They were too difficult.

I remain

Champagne