I'm Matt Champagne. Watch me type things at you.
OBNOXIMUS PRIME
Would I like to see Kevin Spacey play Richard III? Well, let me think about that for a second—no! Why, no thank you very much! I have received your offer, thought about it for a good amount of time (not really that much time, as you can see; I don’t know if you noticed, but I made up my mind pretty quickly there) and have decided: “Nnnno, thank you!” Wanting to see Mister Spacey (or, as he’s known in tight actor circles, K. Space) play Richard III is up there with wanting to participate in LinkedIn. Or should I say down there with wanting to participate in LinkedIn?
I can’t wait to never see him play this part. Just that picture tells me everything. I hate the way he’s standing. I hate what his right hand is doing. I hate his stupid sunglasses. Look at him in that picture. Now think about watching him do that for three hours. Have fun. You know what? I would rather join LinkedIn.
He’s not a bad actor. I’ve never thought he sucked. He doesn’t suck. He’s good, I guess. But he’s always bugged the shit out of me. That’s all I’m saying. I love the movie Seven, but it ain’t because of him. None of the acting in that movie is the reason I like it. I’ve always felt that if you wanna act like K. Space, here’s what you do: Completely relax your face (let it all go: your forehead, your cheeks, your jaw), let your eyelids ever so slightly droop over your eyeballs (just a little bit), calmly look at the person to whom you’re speaking and, as you’re talking, think just this one thing: “I. Hate. You.” And that’s it! You’ll have it! You will be the proud owner of Space Face: the face Kevin Spacey uses when he’s acting mean. Or I should say the face Kevin Spacey uses when he’s acting.
During these productions of Richard III, I hope he gets heckled by people who are really crippled. “You’re doin’ it wrong, K. Space! That’s not how we walk! Where’s your motivation!”
I remain
Champagne
