Remain Champagne - HOLD ME.

11th July 2011

Post with 1 note

HOLD ME.

I’m on hold. Been on hold for fifteen minutes. SAG. Got a boner too. Being on hold with SAG gives me huge boners, man. I see I have some money due to me and I thought I’d—well, I don’t know—call them and ask about it. Silly me. What kind of a moron actually tries to get the money he’s owed. What a dipshit. What a problem-making asshole I am. Oh wait! Here they are! The hold music and recording finally stopped and now it’s ringing. Oh, never mind. They went away again. Now the hold music’s back again. Listen to that shitty piano. Whoever’s playing that piano should be playing at Nordstrom. I love it when hold recordings say stuff like this: “You know, this is taking a real long time. You might wanna do this with an email or some other avenue that doesn’t involve people. Why do you keep trying to talk to people? You realize this is your fault, right?” Wait a minute, did I say it’s been fifteen minutes? I meant twenty-five minutes and forty seconds. By the counter on my phone. See, they’re currently experiencing a high level of calls, you guys. Whereas I am currently receiving a high level of bullshit. By “high level of calls,” are they talking about the quality of the calls? Herrrrrp duh-derp! Oh, there they are again. Should I put them on hold now? Hi. I’m owed some money. Do you know who I can talk to about that? It’s from stuff I did—seriously—nine years ago. Yeah, right? I have a statement here that says I’m owed—oh, never mind. It takes a long time, huh? Does it take longer than how much time I just spent on hold? Oh, really? So about an hour then? Can I just tell you: The whole time I was on hold, I really believed that when you finally took my call and said hello, you would have my money for me right then! Like, right when you picked up. Any chance that that’s true? So I’m probably not gonna get this money until August, huh? You realize that’s like putting me on hold again, right? For five weeks. Should I just stay on hold right now until August? Hello? I think that’s a yes.

I remain

Champagne