I'm Matt Champagne. Watch me type things at you.
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AN OPEN LETTER TO THAT GIRL WHO I GUESS ISN’T GOING OUT WITH THAT GUY ANYMORE
Hey I’m not sure what your story is now but I know you were going out with that one guy for a while which I hadn’t heard you guys broke up but maybe you did and in fact it looks very much like you did because that guy you’re leaving with now sure as hell ain’t your boyfriend and in no way looks anything like your boyfriend but then if your boyfriend ain’t your boyfriend anymore then no harm I guess since the thing people do after they break up is hook up with someone else unless you’re me in which case you live in the past for however long it takes for someone new to be fooled into finding you semi-attractive but fortunately for you (and that guy who’s not your boyfriend or your maybe ex-boyfriend) this ain’t about me as much as it is about you and how it’s pretty much safe to say you’re not going out with your boyfriend anymore unless you are still going out with your boyfriend and you and the guy you’re leaving with right now are off to just an arcade or maybe a mini golf course or maybe a gun range to literally shoot the shit the way friends do which I guess would be okay with your boyfriend if he’s still your boyfriend but it really looks like your boyfriend ain’t your boyfriend anymore since you’re totally walking to your car or his car with some other new dude despite the fact that the guy with the real problem here is clearly me because what the hell am I doing speculating on the status of people who aren’t me when I should really—as they say—be checking myself because even though I said earlier this wasn’t about me, you should know this: it so totally is absolutely about me.
I remain
Champagne
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