I'm Matt Champagne. Watch me type things at you.
AN OPEN LETTER TO THOSE TWO PEOPLE WHO ARE FUCKING BUT THINK NO ONE KNOWS THEY’RE FUCKING.
Hey, you two! Before y’all get to fuckin’, lemme just tell ya something:
Everyone knows you guys are fuckin’.
Everyone.
You guys are cool though. You’re not bad people. You’re both well liked and admired within the fairly far-reaching circle of acquaintances with whom you hang out. Neither one of you’s a shit-talker or upstart. You’re both good, mature, charming, consenting adults who have every right to fuck each other if you want to.
But just so you know: Everyone knows you guys are fuckin’.
Everyone.
But even though you’re not hiding a damn thing, you guys are smooth. Gotta give ya that. You’re almost very good at hiding the fact that you’re almost secretly fucking. And I say “almost” here because while it may seem like you’re keeping your fucking a secret, you should know you’re most definitely not keeping it a secret. We see the care you guys take in being as discreet as possible. When the other person isn’t around, you never mention them in conversation ever. You haven’t told your closest friends about each other. You’re almost never together, and when you are you’re either a.) around a large group of people which further necessitates the ruse of not talking to each other for very long, or b.) fucking. And that whole not hanging out in front of people for very long is important because if you’re sitting next to each other all night, it’s only a matter of time before some bitter bastard (like me) pipes up and says: “So how long y’all been fuckin’?” And what’re you gonna do then? Probably jokingly say: “Oh, you kidding? Years! Right honey?” And then you’ll both sarcastically pretend to be amorous with each other as you try to figure out how the hell I (and, little do you know, all the rest of us) found out about you guys fuckin’. But you’re never gonna let on that you know I’m right. Your privacy is too important and the close-knit group in which you run is way too shit-talky to drop your cover. You two will do anything to smooth out the awkwardness that I just dropped, anything to make it look like you’re not really fucking.
But just so you know: Everyone knows you guys are fuckin’.
Everyone.
I remain
Champagne
