"WE KID 'CAUSE WE HATE."

6th July 2011

Post with 4 notes

“WE KID ‘CAUSE WE HATE.”

Some people say Charlie Sheen’s gonna be real uncomfortable during his Comedy Central Roast. And I’m like: Not any more uncomfortable than the comedians who have to pretend to like him. They’re the ones who are gonna squirm when they realize: “Wait a minute. Something’s wrong. Oh, I know what it is! I don’t like this guy.”

Roasts are for people with friends. Roasts are for people you love so much that you can’t help but make fun of them. And then when you’re done making fun of them, you tell them you love them. What comedian feels that way about Sheen? Not that there aren’t any people in his life who love him. In fact, I bet they’ll get more than a few non-comedians who have known him for a long time, who have somehow still managed to like him and give them funny things to say. The jokes about him will write (and have written) themselves. But what do you say to that guy when it comes time to be sincere? “Well, Charlie, thanks for being a good sport and letting us pretend like we like you.”

Many women have claimed to have been hit by Charlie Sheen. It’d be great if some of them could be there to do some jokes.

“Charlie Sheen, ladies and gentlemen! His jokes may not land, but his punches will.”

“‘Wall Street’ was a big hit for Charlie. But not as big as the one he gave me in the jaw back in ‘92! Thanks for picking up the bill for my reconstructive surgery, Charlie! Even if it was court ordered!”

“When I was asked to come up with some punchlines for Charlie’s roast, I said: ‘What’s a punchline? Is that the thing you say right before Charlie hits you in the face? No thanks!”

“Charlie, you’re a real pistol! Well, not a real pistol! Not like the one you stuffed in my mouth when I didn’t blow you that time, but a pistol nonetheless!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, even though I’m no comedian, I’m not afraid of dying up here tonight. Because I’ve already had a knife held to my quivering throat by this fuck wad we’re all here to honor. I mean after that, rejection from you people is like a massage.”

“You gotta hand it to Charlie. Not like he handed it to me many times, if you know what I’m saying. That was more of a backhanding situation, but you know what I mean.”

“There’s an old saying: ‘We kid ‘cause we love.’ Well, Charlie, we kid ‘cause we hate. No, but in all seriousness…we really do hate you. Go punch yourself. A lot.”

I remain

Champagne

Remain Champagne

“WE KID ‘CAUSE WE HATE.”