I'm Matt Champagne. Watch me type things at you.
DOWNLOW
I was at a 7-11 last week and on the cover of The New York Times was a picture of that Boston gangster who finally got caught in Santa Monica after being on the lam for like fifty years or something. The guy behind the counter (big thick beard, turbin) goes: “You know why white criminals get away with all their bullshit? Because they keep it on the downlow. They are secret. You don’t seem them out in the street going up to people and bragging and sticking out their chest and saying: ‘Hey mothafucka! You know that big illegal thing that just happened? That was me!’ White crooks don’t do that. You guys do your shit and then you shut the hell up.” Then he pointed to his head. “Smart!” I like how he said “you guys,” like I’m in on it in some way. He had such admiration. I was laughing the entire time while he was talking. I bought some nuts and left with a promise to myself that I would talk to people more often. I am such an anti-social person. This has got to stop. Think of all the interesting people I haven’t met because I was just too tired or lazy or bored to simply have a simple conversation with someone. Today in an elevator this pretty girl saw my glasses, dug into her purse and put on a pair of dark-rimmed specs like mine on her face and smiled at me. Instead of saying cool or whatever, I pointed out that hers weren’t real. “I know,” she said. They’re 3-D glasses.” Then she put her finger in her eye. “Where are the lenses?” I asked. “Popped them out,” she said. Instead of just going with her desire to be cool, I had to tell her how lame I think it is when people who don’t need to wear glasses wear glasses. I was trying to be funny, but I felt like shit after. In an elevator! A nice girl! I am such a dick! I have got to stop being such a dick! So what if it’s lame when people do that. Have a conversation. Learn something about someone for once. And she’s probably not serious anyway. And if you are gonna wear glasses when you don’t really need to, 3-D glasses is actually a pretty cool and kinda funny way to go. What the hell is my problem? Just talk to her next time. Why does everything have to be a fuckin’ judgment call?
I remain
Champagne
