Remain Champagne - AN OPEN LETTER TO THAT GUY DOING STRETCHES BEFORE HIS AUDITION.

Woa. You, sir, are serious. Here we all are waiting our turn, thinking about food and which people in our lives hate us the most, and there you are: Doing some pre-audition stretches. Impressive. I can see the dedication. I can see the drive. I can see the need to succeed. You’re stretching it out, leaning way over on your side and extending your arm. Now you’re resting the weight of your hand on the side of your head to alleviate the tightness in your neck. Now you’re doing the other side. Now you’re touching your feet. Great flexibility. Now you’re dropping to the floor in front of everybody in the waiting room, bringing your knees to your chest and twisting your upper body in the opposite direction of your sternum, which really alleviates back tension. Your breathing is very deliberate too. You’re inhaling and exhaling in rhythm to your extensions. Oh, now you’re getting your voice into it. You’re letting out audible breaths and it’s loosening up all the crap in there that just won’t let go.

Man, you must really want this job. You must really want this McDonald’s commercial.

See, here’s what I do: I save all that stretching crap for when I’m in the room. When I’m standing in front of the director and the uncomfortable clients and the guy who has to stand behind the camera and record everything, that’s when I say: “Do you guys mind if I do some stretches right now?” and before they answer, I just start doing them. Right there in front of them, I drop to the floor and bend my leg back so I’m laying on it, you know, to stretch out the hamstring. (Is that what I’m stretching out? I don’t know exactly what I’m talking about to be honest, but it feels pretty intense.) And then when someone in charge of the audition asks: “Okay, um, you ready to do this audition?”, I go: “Nope. Not yet. Gotta do my vocal warm-ups now.” And then right there in front of them I start screeching.

Because here’s the thing, man: If the clients for McDonald’s could see how committed you are to your stretches, they would without a doubt hire you to stuff Big Macs in your face for twelve hours. I’m quite sure of it. That’s why whenever I see an actor doing pre-performance warm-ups and stretches, I always go: “Hey, man. Save it for the room.”

I remain

Champagne