Remain Champagne

25th June 2011

Post with 1 note

AN OPEN LETTER TO THAT WOMAN WHO MOVED HER PURSE WHEN I SAT DOWN NEXT TO HER

I’m flattered.  That you’d think that I’m gonna steal your shit.  Really?  I’m drunkenly eating a frittata and you think I’m gonna steal your purse.  Actually I’ve heard that the best chaser for a late night egg dish is to jack a strange woman’s property.  Right when I sat down next to you, your purse was right on top of the counter.  You didn’t take it down and put it into your lap right away though.  I guess because you were trying to be as smooth about it as you could.  Because if you grab your shit right away as soon as someone sits down, you’re just gonna look insecure.  But I knew it was coming.  I was like: “There’s no way she’s gonna leave her purse on the counter with me sitting right next to her.  How long before she takes it down?”  I think I told myself a minute.  I was like: “I give her maybe a minute before she can’t take it anymore and simply has to put that huge leather purse in her lap so the creepy guy eating by himself won’t take it.  And I was wrong!  You waited two!  Two minutes.  Maybe the world’s not so full of scared people.

Here’s what many do in your situation: They’re sitting in a restaurant.  Their purse is in a location maybe halfway between them and the place where no one is sitting.  And then someone comes in and sits in that place.  The owner of the purse, wanting to increase the distance between her purse and the guy who’s just sat down, has to figure out a way to do that without looking like she’s doing that.  One method is to pretend her phone is ringing from inside her purse, grab her purse, rummage around in there for the non-ringing phone, fiddle around with it a little bit and then, when this ruse is done, not return the purse to its original location, but rather place it in her lap, safe from the new guy who just sat down.  What I admire about you is you didn’t do any of that.  You moved that purse with two clutching hands and got it safely away from me.  You might as well have leaned over and said: “Just to be clear: I’m moving this because you make me uncomfortable.”


I remain

Champagne