Remain Champagne

Yesterday I heard a guy say this on stage: “I liked to get peed on sexually.”

Oh yeah? You liked to get peed on, but you’re saying you like it sexually? Thanks for the clarification, cowboy. Now I get it. Otherwise, if you just say “I like to get peed on,” well, that could mean anything! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard of people who like to get peed on platonically. Sure. A little platonic peeing. You wanna make sure that’s what it is before it starts, of course. There’s nothing more awkward that being in the middle of a golden shower before realizing: “Oh! Wait a minute! Was this supposed to be a sexual thing? I thought we were just hanging out!” Awk-ward. Because you will not only have pee on your face but egg as well. You’ll need the pee to wash the egg off your face. Are you grossed out yet? If I only almost were, I’d probably stop. Anyway, you gotta talk the shit out. Or talk the pee out, as the case may pee. (Hee hee. See what I did there? I do, unfortunately)

What if instead of “sexually,” that guy said: “on Fridays.” Like, it was a certain day thing with him and no other day of the week was appropriate for getting peed on. “Hey! What’re you doing? C’mon, man! It’s Wednesday!”

I guess he could have said anything instead of “sexually.” Like, “enthusiastically.” “I like to be peed on enthusiastically, thank you very much.”

What are some other ways you can get peed on? How about corporately? A corporate pee-on. I’ve heard of them. Medically? Like when you get stung by a jellyfish? I hear that approach doesn’t work, but would still love to hear someone say: “Look, I’ve heard it won’t help, but can you just pee on me anyway?”

I remain

Champagne

“OH. YOU MEAN SEXUALLY!”