I'm Matt Champagne. Watch me type things at you.
“BABIES” RHYMES WITH “RABIES.”
Doesn’t the stork have the option to eat the baby if the parents don’t want it?
I like babies fine, okay? I’m not one of those anti-baby people. In fact, I often find most pictures of my friends’ babies to be quite adorable. But I know this: Making fun of babies is awesome!
Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about the fact that some babies are simply better than others? It’s, like, obvious. They can’t all be good.
“Babies” rhymes with “rabies.” Okay?
There are many things in the world that make me uncomfortable. And one of them is definitely this: An adult actress playing the part of a little kid or baby. That’s run for the exit time! That is show over! What a flesh crawl that is! Watching some twenty-eight-year-old woman performing as a child?! Why don’t you just ask me to watch a stage adaptation of Flowers In The Attic? I’d rather.
Babies don’t think I’m funny. They always look at me like: “What’s that shit on your face?”
I’ve been writing lots of baby jokes lately. Like:
“I used to think those ‘Baby On Board’ signs meant that your baby was in agreement with your plans.”
“I have a ‘Baby On Board’ sign on my car because even though I have no kids and I’m always driving alone, there is definitely a baby on board.”
“If you post ultrasound photos of your pre-natal baby on Facebook, I’m gonna start posting fading EKG charts of our dying friendship.”
“I was about to make a donation in one of those yellow Planet Aid bins and there was a sign on the door that said: ‘Please No Babies.’ And I was all: “Well, what the hell am I supposed to do with this baby now?’”
“The reason why babies cry in church is because even they know it’s bullshit.”
“I eat baby carrots. Meaning carrots belonging to babies.”
“Some babies are born addicted to drugs. I bet the hardest thing about that is getting the baby to admit it has a problem.“
I remain
Champagne
