Remain Champagne

If this past year and a half continues in its shittiness, I—eventually—may have to learn to be a waiter. I’m exaggerating. I hope I’m exaggerating. God. That would suck. Here’s what would happen were I a waiter: I’d show up for work, put on whatever stupid thing I had to put on (civil war sword, kilt, white knee-high socks, conquistador helmet) stand at my station and then immediately start to cry. A grown man (even older than I am now because I’m typing about my possible future and in my possible future [as well as my actual one] I will be older than I am now) leaning against the condiment station (see, I don’t even know what it’s called) sobbing because I can’t do what I’m supposed to freakin’ do. It’ll be terrible. I can’t cry as an actor, but I probably could as a waiter.

There are worse things than sitting with someone who’s being shitty to the waiter. I guess. If you want me to struggle to think of a few, I suppose I’d have to say Genocide is probably worse. (And I do capitalize it out of respect to those who have suffered from the mass slaughter of their loved ones and not suffered from the horribly awkward situation of being with some asshole who’s rude to the server.) Cancer is probably worse. I guess. (Of course, a true asshole could justify his shitty behavior in a restaurant by saying things like this to the server: “And could you hurry it up? My friend here has cancer.”) Coonskin hats on hipsters. That’s worse. Right? But those three might be it.

I feel horrible when my eating partner (and that’s what you are when you eat with me: my partner, because we’re a team, okay?) takes on a snotty tone with the server, a tone they had theretofore not exhibited at all. It comes out of nowhere. Like, you had no idea they were even capable of it. I remember this one dog who would freak out around men, but she was fine around women. If women were around, she was happy as a clam. But the minute a guy would rear his ugly head, she would go nuts. I wonder if it’s like that for people who insist on being shitty to waiters. Like, their whole day they’re completely normal and polite, but the minute they see a waitress they think: “Oh no! A server! Why, I’ve just got to make her world suck right now!”

I remain

Champagne

I GUESS GENOCIDE’S WORSE.