Remain Champagne

6th July 2012

Post with 3 notes

AUTHORS COMMENTARY

Listening to directors commentary is fun when you’re watching a movie you like a lot and have seen a bunch of times.  It’s informative to listen to the guy who made the movie talk to you about what he was thinking and how he did what he did when he did what he did.

I think they should have that for books on tape.  I think authors commentary would be a great fun for the bibliophile.  Or audio bibliophile.  What kind of phile am I talking about here?

Imagine you’re listening to a book on tape, and over the author reading is the sound of him talking about what he wrote, interrupting himself:

***

Chapter 2: Morning

Dr. Mangold Rosenbaum proceeded eastbound on Kennelfarm Street.

[I originally wasn’t going to call him Rosenbaum.  I thought that would be a little too on the nose.  But I put a bunch of names in a hat and my daughter Abby pulled out Rosenbaum, so Rosenbaum it is!  Thanks Abby!]

Kennelfarm was predictably congested at this hour, this hour of nine in the morning.

[Kennelfarm…uh…was actually the name of the shelter where we got our first family pet.  It was a cat.  We named it…shit, I can’t remember.  Shit.  I did say ‘shit’ to it a lot, but I think it had another name.  What the hell was that cat’s name?  It actually might’ve been Shit.]

After twenty years of fixing hearts, the good doctor knew that of all the arteries in desperate need of a triple bypass, the eastbound lane of Kennelfarm Street was definitely one.

[You know (sound of gin swig) a lot of people think writing is a lonely pursuit, and lemme tell you: that is such…the truth.  I have not seen my family in five weeks.  Can I just say, in my defense though, they left me, okay?  I mean, if you wanna talk about who left who here, where do you think I’m recording this from?  Some motel?  No way!  I am home!  Hear that echo?  That sound like a family to you?  And you know the best thing about recording author’s commentary?  They let me record from my bed.  I’m in bed right now.  They were all: “We need you to record the author’s commentary” and I was all: “Well, we better figure out a way to record it from my bed because I have not left it in days.”  That’s right, badgered book-listener.  I am recording this author commentary from deep under the blankets of my bed.  I’m in a fort right now.  And I’ll be honest: I don’t know what chapter you’re on, but I just wanna thank you for buying this book.  Maybe my family will move back in here if you buy a bunch of them.  How’s that for pressure?  (sound of gin swig)]

The doctor passed a flower shop, which made him think—of course—of her.

[“Of course—of her”?  What the shit kind of shitty sentence is that?  I can’t believe my editor let that one get by.  Can I just tell you?  I write a lot of the shit I write just to see if anyone in my editor’s office is paying attention!  There’s my answer!]

The girl behind the counter had seen him buy there before, and he didn’t want to become known as a repeat customer.  Not just in flower shops, but anywhere.

[A lot of aspiring writers ask me what kind of font they should use when they’re writing.  You know what kind of font you should use?  You should use Go Outside And Live A Life, 13 point.  That’s a good one, if you can find it!  Or how about Go Ask A Girl On A Date, 12 point.  What font do I use?  Seriously?  Go fuck yourself. (sound of gin swig)]

***

I remain

Champagne