I'm Matt Champagne. Watch me type things at you.
SURGICAL FOOT BAGGIES NOT INCLUDED
Imagine the box this thing comes in.
But foot baggies? Really? To play giant Monopoly? That might be a deal breaker.
“Hey, you wanna play giant Monopoly?”
“Only if I don’t have to wear surgical foot baggies.”
Come to think of it, that’s pretty much a good answer to anything you’re asked to do.
“Only if I don’t have to wear surgical foot baggies.”
Wonder if they come with the game.
Some of these players are just wearing their socks though. That’s gross and possibly dangerous. What if the board is slick and you fall and break your leg? Explain that injury to your friends.
“Woa, what happened to you?”
“Oh, I was playing Monopoly and…look, I don’t wanna talk about it.”
Look at this picture though. Is anyone shocked that there are more people playing the game than watching? I mean, why would you watch this? Those people in the bleachers better be getting paid. The organizers probably need more people to watch a giant game of Monopoly than play it. In fact, I bet this is a total bringer game. If you want to play, you have to bring, like, ten friends to watch you. And I can’t think of a better reason to stop being someone’s friend.
“How come you and Josh don’t hang out anymore?”
“I had to watch him play giant Monopoly for four hours the other day. Fuck that guy.”
And look at the size of those Community Chest and Chance cards! You get a paper cut from those, you’ll bleed out.
Do they have a Clue version this size? I didn’t research it because it’s more fun for me to imagine, but they must. I’d absolutely play a giant Clue, foot baggies and all. Hell, I’d wear a hazmat suit if they asked me to. I’d get so wrapped up in giant Clue I’d start to think someone had actually been murdered. Like, for real.
You know, it just now occurs to me: I have never finished a game of Monopoly. Ever. Never wanted to finish. You know what? I’ve never liked Monopoly. Huh.
I bet the hardest thing about playing giant Monopoly is how the hell am I suppose to toss that board in the air when I’m losing? Because that’s my one move.
I remain
Champagne
