Remain Champagne

1st March 2012

Post with 2 notes

LIE TO YOUR FRIENDS.

I’m looking through my closet the other day, wondering what the hell I’m gonna do with all those VHS tapes, and I see it at the bottom.  Beyond Balderdash.  Taking Balderdash up a notch, know’m sayn’?  I haven’t played that game in a long time.  It’s the one where someone reads a word, date, acronym, film title or person’s name and then you write down a made-up identification for it in the hopes to fool your opponents that what you made up is real.  Bullshitting your friends, basically.  Great fun.  I open this box, this box of Beyond Balderdash, for the first time in—I don’t know—ten years or something, and inside are all these old pieces of paper from old games long ago, with fake answer after fake answer scrawled on them, written by old Orange County friends I haven’t seen in years.  I read through them and still can’t decide which ones are fake.  They’re all so plausible!  Here are some:

***

June 4, 1937: Kaiser Wilhelm’s wife dies of dropsy.  (Pretty sure I wrote this.  I still think the word “dropsy” sounds funny.)

RFC: Rand Foundation Committee (RAND, not “Randy”) [and then an arrow pointing to that with a notation that says: “Do Not Read Aloud.”]  (My friend Mike wrote this one.  I need to call him.) 

Hyclomania: a trend involving glow sticks and swinging couples in the ‘70’s.  (Sounds like a condition caused by excessive walking.)

[I found five different options for a movie called One Wish Too Many.] 

One Wish Too Many: the porn movie where John Bobbit wishes, to no avail, for his penis to work again.  (I love how it’s the porn movie, not a porn movie.  Like: “You know, it’s that one porn movie!  You know the one!”) 

One Wish Too Many: holiday film in which a young boy is given the ability to grant wishes without realizing he has the ability to bring his family out of poverty.  (And that’s the end of the movie?)

One Wish Too Many: A priest discovers that young Sister Alphonze is really a man…in search of a miracle… (How did he not know that a nun named Sister Alphonze was a man?)

One Wish Too Many: an old genie comes out of retirement to grant just one more wish… (Morgan Freeman can’t not do this one!  Right, Hollywood?  I know you’re reading this!  With all eight of your eyes!)

One Wish Too Many: a genie falls in love with a woman who releases him from an urn.  (Alternate title: “Hey, Nice Ash!”)

The Last Volcano: Bomba, “the jungle boy,” fights greedy African guides who are searching for buried treasure.  (I’ll say it: I wrote this one.  Yeah.  I wrote “the jungle boy.”  And, as you can see, capitalized neither “jungle” nor “boy.”  That’s really the most offensive thing about it.  I would blame my insensitivity on being young, but I really wasn’t that young.  I was probably like twenty-seven.  But “jungle boy” doesn’t have to mean what you think it means.  There can be all kinds of jungle boys.  Right?  Just say: “Right.”)

Someone To Remember: A woman with Alzheimer’s desperately tries to remember which woman in a police line-up is her daughter.  (What if that’s the whole movie?  This woman standing in a precinct viewing room going: “Um…I don’t know…wait…um…”  And then a half hour later she goes: “Oh, I know!” and you think it’s gonna get good, and then she goes: “Oh, wait a minute…shoot.”)

Papillote: the chrysalis discarded by an emerging butterfly.  (I thought Papillote was the all-female musical version of Papillon.)

Prunella: prune-flavored soft drink.  (Everyone knows Prunella was one-half of the snack-based, female comedy duo Nutella and Prunella.)

Hyclomania: abnormal love of wood.  (I believe this one.  I really do.)


I remain

Champagne