I'm Matt Champagne. Watch me type things at you.
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“SPEAK UP, GUYS.”
Killing time between two cancelled shows in Claremont last month, I’m flanked by two different conversations in a bar. On my right, two guys talking about gold futures, economic freedom and Fox News. On my left, two guys talking about the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Seriously.
I wish I could cancel both these conversations the way both of my shows will be cancelled tonight. At this point I only know one of them has been cancelled, but, now that I look back on it—even using the present tense—I should know that getting shoehorned between two of the most unappealing exchanges in the history of talking is the biggest, doomiest omen for what can only be a rough, disappointing night ahead. I’m by myself (because that’s my jam) and right as I sit down I hear them, so right as I hear them I know I’m in a place where the sun don’t shine; it’s that dark. But we’re all so close—the five of us, though we’re not together—that I can’t not hear. I take my 2007 Tréo out and transcribe them as best I can: the guys on my left and the guys on my right, back and forth, a little here, a little there.
***
On my left: “Jesus told them to pray. And that’s what they did.
On my right: “Now I make a hundred thousand dollars a year.”
On my left: “The Holy Spirit is everywhere.”
On my right: “I love Fox News. It’s like, you can’t escape it.”
On my left: “The Father’s acceptance of me has absolutely nothing to do with how I perform.”
On my right: “So now they’re just another welfare drain on the government.”
On my left: “No one would argue that Jesus didn’t have the Holy Spirit in him when he started his ministry.”
On my right: “Why would someone invest in a company that wasn’t trying to maximize profits? Why would I invest in that?”
On my left: “And the oncoming Rapture is certainly one way of looking at that.”
On my right: “And the next Meltdown is gonna be an example of that.”
On my left: “And the sinners among us will know what we mean but only when it’s too late for them.”
On my right: “I don’t give anything to charity at all. I hate charity. I don’t like giving something for nothing.”
***
Here’s the thing: Both of these conversations? Deeply religious.
I remain
Champagne
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