AN OPEN LETTER TO MODELS WHO WANNA TRY STAND-UP

24th September 2011

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AN OPEN LETTER TO MODELS WHO WANNA TRY STAND-UP

Hey, pretty women! Sorry to take you away from touching up your headshots, buying underwear and banging your boyfriends, but I understand that some of you wanna try stand-up! Cool! Go for it. Slink those perfectly proportioned hips onto that stage, grab that mike with those meticulously moisturized, lily-white hands and let her rip, girl. But before you go where many models have fleetingly and half-heartedly gone before, how would you like some tips from a guy who doesn’t even make his living at stand-up comedy and is quite sexually inadequate? Great! Here they are:

* Don’t talk about how tough it is to get a date.

Seriously. Don’t do it. We know the second you walk on stage that you’re a model. We can all see it. We also know—and I mean know—that the first thing you’re gonna talk about is how hard it is to get a date. How do we know that? Because every model before you who’s tried stand-up comedy has talked about it. The second I see an inappropriately pretty girl on a stand-up comedy stage, I look down at my watch and count the seconds before she takes out a violin to guide us through the trials and tribulations of not being able to find a dude. It’s almost as if you guys went to The Academy Of Stand-Up Comedy For Models and got told by some jag-off that the key to connecting to an audience is talking about how tough it is to be beautiful and single. In the words of fellow comic Robert Yasamura: “If you’re a model and you’re having a tough time getting a date, ask someone.”

* Talk about how pretty you are.

Seriously. Do it. Tell jokes about how great it is to be hot. Make jokes about how sweet your life is because of how beautiful you are. I’m serious. Make jokes about all the places you travel to because you’re hot, all the people you get to meet because you’re hot, all the things you get to do because of the way you look. In fact, the first thing you say into that mike should be this: “Hello, ugly people! What’s it like to not be pretty?” Talk about how pretty you are and talk about how pretty you know you are. And then talk about how pretty the audience isn’t compared to you. I would honestly find that hilarious. If a model did that as her act, it would completely turn me around.

* Admit that the only reason you’re doing stand-up comedy is because it’s an assignment from your acting teacher.

We’ll know where you stand if you tell us this. We’ll also know that you’ll be quitting after two more weeks and such information will be greatly appreciated. If you’re sleeping with your acting teacher—as many models do—admit that too. (That reminds me: I should become an acting teacher.)

* Don’t tell your guy friend who comes with you to the open mike that you’re not gonna fuck him.

Oh, there’s no way you’re gonna sleep with him, but don’t ever let him know that. Because if it weren’t for him, no one would be laughing at your stories of how grueling it is to hang out at the Playboy Mansion. Keep him guessing. Keep him around. You’ll eventually quit stand-up, but you’ll still need him to help you move into your acting teacher’s house.

* Contact me at your earliest convenience for further, intimate one-on-one advice. Make it quick though because you’ll be quitting soon.

I remain

Champagne

Remain Champagne

AN OPEN LETTER TO MODELS WHO WANNA TRY STAND-UP