September 2010
30 posts
HEAD SHOTS
These are my brains. As I suspected, I have several of them. How many do you have?
I got my gray matter scanned a few years ago. Everything was fine. But I was getting these extremely slight, few and far-between, barely-worth-mentioning pains in my head and I made the mistake of bringing it up to a friend who said: “You should go to the doctor.” And she said it at the Comedy Store, a...
KNITLER
I usually cringe whenever anyone uses the word “win” as a noun. Scientologists love to use the word “win” as a noun. As in: “Oooh! That’s a big win for you!” Or: “So, tell me about your wins today!” Yeah, sure, the word “win” is a noun as well as a verb. But it still gives me the willies. For the most part. Until I just now used it when I saw this picture above. ‘Cause it’s definitely a...
SODIUM PENTOTHAL RECALL
Sodium Pentothal—the drug used in lethal injections—has an expiration date. Did you know that? It’s also hard to come by nowadays, lending it a certain aura of—oh, I don’t know—effulgence, if you will, a fine air of pomp and circumstance you don’t immediately identify with the death penalty.
I wonder if there’s ever been a condemned guy strapped to that table who inquired into the quality of...
ME NO LIKEY
I realize since fast food corporations today have more power than the military, any words of criticism or mockery leveled against them may have potentially troublesome consequences. But the need to address a certain invasion of privacy and personal misrepresentation by one particular company compels me to write the following.
I have noticed—twice now—according to my Facebook profile (which I...
VEGETARIAN SPIDER
Gotta be tough being a vegetarian spider. The stigma, you know. That spider stigma. You gotta deal with getting the stink eye(s) from all your spider friends who be all catching flies and grasshoppers and squirrels and pigeons and whatever will drop into their nets. That poor v-spider’s got that veggie cross to bear. It’s gotta be tough.
I’d like to think that some spiders become...
CAN YOU DO BETTER/THAN THE XLERATOR?
It’s awesome. I’m tellin’ ya. I’ve talked about it before. And it bears repeating now. The Xlerator automatic hand dryer is. The. Shit. It just is. And you know why it’s the shit? It works. Yeah. That’s all. It just works. Imagine how successful and awesome your automatic hand dryer company would be if you actually made ones that—what do you call it?—worked? If I’m at a place that...
COMMON SPACE
At first I thought this was a new printer. That dark thing at the top (it sorta looks like a make-shift sled) looks removable so you can re-fill it with paper. Then I thought it was a new state-of-the-art, aerodynamically designed bike helmet for that new breed of genetically engineered cyclist with negative ten body fat, darting eyes and veins coming outta their veins, churning Schwinns...
PENNIES FROM HELL
You wanna know since when, right? For how long have I been depositing all this copper into this jug? Ten years. Well, since July of 2000. So, ten years and change. Get it? Ten years and—. Never mind.
I got a water delivery once (Arrowhead [yes, I hear all our water has rocket fuel in it; as my friend Shawn said: “Guys, what cruel person is putting rocket fuel in our water? That just...
ZEN KITTY LITTER
Tempting, ain’t it? What is that, like nine inches by seven? It’s cute, right? You immediately wanna touch it. Or tend to it. I mean, you gotta. If you’re in the market for a mellow-inducing sand garden to take your mind off things like, oh, the dust in your apartment or your genitals that don’t work like they used to, why not this one? I wouldn’t so much be into the rocks though. They...
HELL'S PANTRY
I’m going here in a little over a couple of weeks.
I’m not in New York that much, but whenever I go I always end up visiting the places I used to live: Upper East Side, Astoria and Hell’s Kitchen, which I now understand is more of a Hell’s Pantry. I’ll be there in October which is the best time to go. Everyone tells me this and it’s also how I remember it. The trees and what-not. The leaves...
BRIGHT-EYED BUSHY-TAILED BASH FEST
Despite my rugged, hard-as-nails demeanor and confident swagger, I am no aficionado of Ultimate Fighting. Quite frankly, it’s beneath me. Although if you’re searching for a distinct image of America’s current substance and identity, you need look no further than that of two thick-necked hooligans beating the shit out of each other on top of a huge logo for Burger King. The question “What’s...
POOR TED
***
(Four bears—from left to right: Steve, Angus, Ted and Bill—have been walking down a road for a long time without saying anything. Finally, Ted can’t take it anymore.)
TED: Would someone just say something? Please?
(Pause.)
TED: Guys, c’mon. We’re grown bears. I can’t take this. We’ve been walking for miles. Let’s at least talk about it.
(Pause.)
TED: Look, I’m sorry! All right? Is that...
NOTHING CREEPY AT ALL
“C’mon, now. Play fair. This just isn’t a good picture of him. You’re taking advantage of an old man who got caught when his chin was down and his eyes were rolling up so he appears to look sinister. And then you have the two young boys there to suggest something really untoward and that’s cheap. It’s just cheap what you’ve done to the holy father here. You can do better than that.”
Eh,...
THE DWELLING
Now that’s what I call a mote.
I’m not into skeet shooting or catapults, but I think I’d take them both up if I lived here.
When I get that whole world domination thing to take off, I’m definitely using this as a retreat. No. Not retreat. Let’s think more positively. Pied-à-terre. That’s right. Pied-à-terre. And please, I would insist that those who came to visit use the proper French...
"SO I WANNA PICK YOUR BRAIN ABOUT DRILLING THROUGH...
There’s something about a doctor’s shoes. No matter the style, no matter the wear and tear, if any, the shoes a doctor decides to wear: why am I always looking at them? What do I care about shoes? I’m not some kind of a fashionista. I don’t care about shoes on regular people. But I really look over my doctors for the things they do, the things they wear, the...
"THEY TOLD ME I'D WIN SOMETHING."
“Hello? Hey. Uh…hello? Hi. I’m still in here. Just lettin’ ya know. I don’t know if you take a head count now or is that later? So, uh…look. Did I win or something? You know? Did I win? It’s been a couple days now and I’m the only one left in here, so I’m just wondering if I won something or something. I kinda feel like I won. I mean, the feeling I’m getting right now is kind of a...
ENJOY WHAT YOU DO.
If I had been the judge presiding over all of George Michael’s DUI stuff, it would’ve been really hard for me to hold back saying a bunch of stuff in court. I always wonder how the more sarcastic judges deal with celebrities.
***
JUDGE: All right, next case. Michael, George. Please step forward. (Sees it’s George Michael) Woa. No shit. George Michael.
GEORGE: Yes, sir.
JUDGE: Wowzers. ...
"OUTLOOK GLOOMY AT SECRET BILLIONAIRE MEETING."
Saw it yesterday. The headline said:
“Outlook Gloomy at Secret Billionaire Meeting.”
I didn’t read the story. Didn’t want to. That headline’s better than whatever the story’s gonna be.
If there’s one thing I wanna see it’s a dour, bummed-out, defeated cabal of globally powerful billionaires wrinkling up their faces at the silence stewing around them, sitting across from each other at a long,...
DAVE AND GOLIATH
I was on a podcast/comedy show last night and got to talking about revenge films. And movies like that—apart from documentaries—seem to be the type of stuff I enjoy the most lately. Shitty villains dying well. It thoroughly satisfies me.
In The Insider the scene where Jeffrey Wigand says to Thomas Sandefur: “Fuck me? Well, fuck you” is a scene I rewind several times when I watch it, sometimes...
THERE WILL COME A DAY
I wonder if I could do it. The real question is I wonder if I will do it. It’s gonna have to take a fair amount of planning and timing. Not to mention commitment on my part. For a dry run, I should probably go out of town where no one knows me and practice it there. The weird looks of fear and concern won’t hurt because they’ll be a bunch of strangers and who cares what people who don’t know...
"NO H20? HELL NO!"
So the bar in Coyote Ugly. It is established, with great wit and cleverness, that you are not supposed to ask for water there. Oh no, no, no. Asking for water at the Coyote Ugly is against the rules. Why, you’re simply a pussy if you ask a bartender for water when you’re in there. If you ask for water at the Coyote Ugly, the bartender will yell to the crowd: DO WE SERVE WATER HERE?” And...
TO NO ONE
Last November I accidentally hit the record button on my Olympus digital voice recorder (VN-1000). I didn’t know I had done it. I now have fifty-seven minutes and fifty-one seconds of sound from the inside of my pocket. From last November.
I was doing some shows in San Diego and staying in a hotel farther away from downtown than necessary.
What follows is a run-down of what’s heard on the...
ASTEROIDS: DEADLY STREAKING? OR HARMLESS...
“2 Asteroids Whiz Harmlessly Past Earth.”
That’s what the headline said: “2 Asteroids Whiz Harmlessly Past Earth.”
Is that what astronomers call it? Whizzing? Is that what asteroids do?
What an emasculating headline. Way to cut the balls off those asteroids. Harmlessly whiz? I’ve never seen an asteroid up close, but I just don’t think the words “harmless” and “whiz” should be used in...
AN OPEN LETTER TO PRETTY MUCH EVERY VONS EMPLOYEE...
You know: Sometimes I come into your store just for the good cheer. For real. Just for the all-pervasive vibes of bonhomie that course through these majestically well-lit aisles. Can I say bonhomie with you? Even if you don’t know exactly what that means, you’re certainly not gonna show it. You’re gonna smile right through any kind of confusion, any kind of weirdness to make me feel...
ALERT AND BURNY
Burt and Ernie never bathed together, did they? I remember Ernie taking a bath and showing you how to wash yourself (especially your ears), but Burt was never there, right? Like, he never got into the tub with him, right? I’m pretty sure he didn’t. That woulda been weird. Were there a few times when Burt was in the room though? Am I remembering that right?
The speculation about Burt and...
HORSE TALK
“Aaaaah, HAHAHAHA! That’s the funniest shit I’ve EVER heard! Ooooo! I’ve never had grass go out my nose like that. Lemme tell it back to you so I know I got it right: ‘Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says: “So, why the long face?”’ Is that it?? Did I tell it right? Aaah, that’s gold, kid! I’m Barry by the way. Preston? Good to meet you. What’s up? Hey, listen, while I got you out...
NEVER JUMP INTO INFINITY ON A FULL STOMACH.
This guy’s really thinkin’ about it. In his black pajama top and his white pajama bottom: he is thinkin’ about it. “If I go in, there’s no comin’ out.”
‘Cause this is an infinity pool.
If I didn’t know what an infinity pool was (and I’ll admit my “knowledge” is really just amusement at the idea of them), I might guess (or hope) that it was some kind of group wager on whether or not endlessness...
HIS BEST FILM IS "THE ELEPHANT MAN."
All right. Where’s my check? Watched all three hours of David Lynch’s Inland Empire. Seriously. Where’s my parade? Shouldn’t there be a guy in a suit presenting me with a brown envelope and a certificate with a raised seal and an invitation to some faraway island as reward for my sitting through all three hours of Lynch’s Inland Empire? Over—what was it?—seven days? I think it took me,...
SEVEN HUNDRED AND TWENTY TOTAL
When driving, if my car’s thermometer for the outside temperature reads less than ninety degrees: no air conditioner. I won’t do it. Havin’ a hot day? That’s rough. But how hot is it? If it reads eighty-eight or eighty-nine degrees: tough. No air conditioner. I won’t turn it on. My last car, a bright red 1997 Honda Accord Special Edition Coupe: I used to blast the a/c all the time. I...
FIGHTING ON TOO MANY FRONTS
Lost at Risk™ last night. I asked for it. Should’ve abandoned Africa and took over South America. Dammit. Games are funner with actual people in the room. Try it. Like eye contact and talking. Who knew? I started off so strong and true, right there in the north of Africa. You should’ve seen it. I was blue too. I always pick blue if I can. Though I’m not above brown.
Here’s something...
